You prick me like a cactus, you sting me like a bee. You rain on me and leave me to rust.
An Open Letter To Guilt
It doesn’t matter what I do, I just can’t please you. If I cave to your demands one way, you still haunt me and dangle doubt atop my head. Like when we knew our family was called to make a change and we did, but you tried to sneak up and whisper lies in my ear claiming we had it all wrong.
You say we should rewind and redo but the past is in the past and we are looking ahead now.
I feel joy when I read and share other’s blog posts. I love community. Unjudging and welcoming. You try to say I am wasting time. But I kicked perfection to the curb recently because I found out you guys are scheming together. If I want to encourage others before working on my book, because that is what makes me feel fulfilled, then by golly I am going to.
I am learning who I am and who I am not. And I am not your puppet. Get over it.
Guilt, you try and make me think there is some good to you. You make lofty proclamations over me and even wave the Bible in my face.
But that is not the God I know, who is patient with me and woos me by his loving kindness. When my heart is convicted, my God already knew I would be. He was never in a hurry to get me to “change.” My God is so patient that he has waited for thousands of years to execute the perfect plan. It has been over time that he has done this.
Rushing only breeds sloppiness, so don’t tell me your never ending, draining demands to always be doing the exact thing I am not doing – is a right way to live.
I am here today to tell you I am d-o-n-e being drained by you. You are never satisfied no matter how hard I try. I am done attempting to make you happy. I am seeing more clearly now: You always wanted me to think you were commissioned by God. But I think just like the enemy, you tell a half truth.
Now I see my Creator never wanted me to gravel at his feet. He invites me to come and dine with him. He loves fish fries on the beach and walks on the back roads.
He loves mountaintop views, and stays back to help the crowd be dismissed while his weary disciples go take a break.
When I know who my God is, then I realize I do not bow down to you!
When I know who my God is, I know who I am. And now I am no longer yours to toy with. I am God’s masterpiece and friend, daughter and forever a lover of His mercies.
You have spent so much time dumping shame on my head, claiming to be something holy – but no more.
The lie stops here and guess what? I am going to enjoy what I am doing right this moment, YOU-free, and joyfully.